Thursday, March 11, 2010

An important milestone for a Pagan blogger

is this, my 666th post! I mean, people keep telling me I'm a Devil worshipper, after all. So I thought this post should be about Satan. The problem is, I don't know much about him- he is a Christian deity, not a Wiccan one. So I thought I'd tell the story of the Devil and Dan McGee- I hope you like it as much as I did when it was told to me back in 1968.

There are two things you have to remember about Dan McGee... the first is that he was prematurely bald, and sensitive about it. The second is that he was a bad man. So when Dan died, he went to Hell.

Dan was met at the gates of Hell by the Devil himself. "Welcome to Hell, Mr. McGee," Satan said. "Are you ready to choose your fate?"

"I have choices?" Dan asked.

"Certainly," Satan replied. "You're going to be spending eternity here; we want to see you properly settled."

"So what are my options?"

Satan snapped his fingers, and Dan found that they were now standing in a vast field of broken glass- and all about him he could see people standing on their heads in the broken glass. "How about this one?" Satan asked.

Dan looked at the tortured souls around him standing on their heads, felt his own bald head, and coldly replied "I think not."

Satan snapped his fingers again, and they were at a vast parking lot. The asphalt was molten, fuming... and there were the damned, standing on their heads!

Dan turned on Satan, screaming at him in anger. "These aren't proper punishments! You're just making fun of my bald head- admit it!"

Satan laughed so hard it took him two tries to snap his fingers again. This time they materialized in a lake of steaming, runny, disgusting doody. A pig who had consumed only curries for a month before getting dysentery would be shocked by horrible this lake was... and the damned were standing waist-deep in it, holding cups and saucers, drinking coffee! "Is this more what you were expecting?" Satan asked.

Dan considered for a moment. The lake was disgusting, but then, this was Hell... and he did like a good cup of coffee. And nobody was making bald jokes. "I'll take it," he answered.

Satan disappeared, and Dan found himself in the lake, holding the cup and saucer. Juan Valdez's donkey came and poured him a cup of fine Columbian. But before he could raise it to his lips, a huge demon with sergeant's stripes on his arms and a massive whip came through shouting, "All right! Coffee break's over- back on your heads!"

2 comments:

Robin Edgar said...

:the damned were standing waist-deep in it, holding cups and saucers, drinking coffee!

Sounds like the chosen fate of Unitarian*Universalists aka U*Us. :-)

Elz said...

Thanks for the laugh, Joel!