Important words spoken in jest

One of the best written comedy websites out there is CRACKED.com One of the things that makes them so good is that often their articles are the straight dope- but being about people, they're naturally funny. And sometimes, they include really important words that people need to hear, like 5 Complaints About Modern Life (That Are Statistically B.S.)

Coda to "Why I'm Not A Universalist"

Well, to a lot of my posts, really. I've been loading programs into my new computer, and a little while ago loaded my CD collection of Mad Magazines- every issue up through December, 1998. Naturally, I had to test the installation by reading a few of my favorites. For those not familiar with the Mad Magazine of yore, it was quite the literate magazine for the first 25 years or so- gonzo, yes, but not juvenile. The contributors also had a keen understanding of the American zeitgeist- that's what made their satire so funny. Even when you knew their portrayals were twisted, you knew they were the conventional wisdom. So check out this piece from nearly 40 years ago.

Mad Magazine, September 1972

The Mad "Religion In America" Primer

Chapter 8 The Minister

This is a Baptist Minister.

He is delivering a sermon.

It is a very important sermon.

It is all about non-religious people.

He tells about people who worship idols.

He calls them Paganists.

He tells them about people who aren't sure there is a God.

He calls them Agnostics.

He tells about the worst people of all.

People who don't believe there's a God.

People who are threatening to destroy religion as we know it.

He calls them Unitarians!

KSA syndrome

Since Christmas, my beloved has developed a syndrome that I understand many people are showing signs of these days: KSA, or "Kindle Separation Anxiety". Symptoms include planning one's wardrobe around being able to secure the Kindle to one's person; panicking at the first sign of malfunction, dashing to get dressed and drive to Staples quick before they close; and an eerie LED glow emanating from under the covers late at night.

Kindles are selling so quickly, and are so addictive once owned, that physical books may soon go the way of 8-Track. Which means that the next generation could hear a whole new set of clichés...

The judge threw the Kindle at him.

"Kindle 'em, Dano!"

He was making Kindle on the side, but he wasn't a full time Kindlee.

The crooked accountant was cooking the Kindles- at least, that was no form of Kindlekeeping I'm familiar with.

The acts Kindled for tonight are...

He was clever, but not much for Kindle learning.

The minister read from the Kindle of Common Prayer.

One of the main attractions at Dublin's Trinity University is the Kindle of Kells.

How many Kindleable hours do you have this month?

He's quite the Kindleworm.

Who wrote the Kindle of love?

He does everything strictly by the Kindle.

There were no receipts or certificates; it was a Kindle transaction.

"Waste not, want not," as the good Kindle says.

I've cast the hexagrams; now to consult the Kindle of Changes for their meaning.

At least, I hope this is the kind of clichés we'll be seeing. If Borders beats Amazon despite Amazon's early lead, I'll have to rewrite this list with permutations of "Nooky".

"Family Feud" shows us

that families have changed over the years...

A friend sent me

this video, and if I could remember who it was, I'd thank him or her.

Explanations for the recent bird and fish kills

It started with 5,000 dead blackbirds in Arkansas. Then 100,000 dead fish in Arkansas... then more dead birds in Louisiana... then reports from around the world. Science has yet to provide answers- but Hollywood has! See 6 Disaster Movie Explanations For All These Dead Birds

Panda ministry

This guy does more good for mankind than most ministers I know.

At last, a "How To" video we really needed

Most "How To" videos on the internet are of use only to obscure hobbyists, like "How to build a linear accelerator out of Lego's"; you never see anything you really need, like how to find a 'possum's chakras...

Giving thanks

After the opening words and hymn, the Minister called for Joys and Concerns.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The Minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Did you see it or hear it?

There's a similar effect in politics. When you watch a politician speak on TV or in person, the speaker makes sense; but when you watch it play out in real life, it turns out to be bollocks.

If you think campaign rhetoric is bad this year,

check this out from a slightly earlier campaign:

The best of Jane Austen

High school would have been more enjoyable had this work been recommended rather than "Sense and Sensibility".

A love that dare not squeak its name

And people say that crocs aren't sexy...

Of polar bears and computers

Sorry my posting has been erratic lately; things should calm down around here soon. In the meantime, here's some useful tidbits I've found... Want to boycott the oil companies? Consider riding a polar bear to work Got some solid nerd cred? It's better to pretend you don't know anything about computers

Oil spill help refused and other news

"Three days after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon in the Gulf of Mexico, the Dutch government offered to help.
It was willing to provide ships outfitted with oil-skimming booms, and it proposed a plan for building sand barriers to protect sensitive marshlands.
The response from the Obama administration and BP, which are coordinating the cleanup: “The embassy got a nice letter from the administration that said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks,'” said Geert Visser, consul general for the Netherlands in Houston." Read more here A related story, closer to home: "John Lapoint of Packgen in Auburn, Maine, says he’s got plenty of floating oil containment boom and can make lots more on short notice. There’s just one problem: no one will buy it from him.
He’s already had a representative from BP visit his factory and inspect his product. The governor of Maine, John Baldacci, visited the facility and made a video plea to no one in particular to close the deal. Maine Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins wrote a letter on May 21 to the secretary of the Interior, the administrator of NOAA, and the commandant of the Coast Guard to alert them to the existence of Packgen, their supply of boom, and their demonstrated capacity to make more. I have no idea if those are the correct persons and agencies to notify about the manufacturing capacity and the availability of boom. One wonders if the senators know." Read Miles of Oil Containment Boom Sit in Warehouse, Waiting for BP or U.S. to Use

Astroturfing for Elena: the DNC wants you to call talk shows.

Reuters once again alters photographs used in coverage of Israel.

"Does Studying Economics Make You More Republican?", asks the NY Times "Most notably, the study found that the more economics classes a person took, the more likely he or she was to be a member of the Republican Party and to donate money to a political candidate or a cause." The Wall Street Journal answers the question: "Who is better informed about the policy choices facing the country—liberals, conservatives or libertarians? According to a Zogby International survey that I write about in the May issue of Econ Journal Watch, the answer is unequivocal: The left flunks Econ 101.", says Daniel Klein.

In twelve states, it's illegal to video police brutality.

A pair of studies with relevance to the marriage equality debate: Study finds teens raised by lesbians are well-adjusted, and a study showing- amongst other things- that a child raised by two gays is better off than a child raised by a single straight parent.

And, some levity to lighten the Friday

Whatever happened to the Karate Kid?

Warning: language

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

You may think you know where Waldo is

But do you really know where he's at? And did it ever occur to you that he's really kind of... creepy? Me, neither, until I heard it read by Werner Herzog.

The Fourth Law of Thermodynamics

Not even the Jaws of Life can hold open a bag you're trying to get something awkward into; not even duct tape can hold closed a bag into which something horrible and messy has been put.

Discovered by Sir Isaac Newton on trash day as he heard the cart approaching.

Credit cards come through

for you, and I bet you've never even tried them- read about the concierge service!

The biggest laugh I've had in a long time,

when I could really use it- from College Humor, An Honest Facebook Political Argument